do you fear death?
no no, it's as natural as the setting sun.
and the sun set to die.

there is this new band called the ethnographers www.myspace.com/theethnographers

download them, buy them, just listen to them. i can't get them out of my head. i needed inspiration lately and they have been just that for me. i know exactly who i am, sometimes i just forget.

fix me.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” --dr. seuss

just breathe in, you're alive...

i am happy, i am content, i am me...

the past few weeks have been to hectic and packed full of ups and downs. jacq left for the week : ( i've missed her since she left. i saw 500 days of summer with her sister and brother, it was really good. everything i wanted and more. i also saw the time travelers wife, it was cute a little predictable but cute. i've been listening to owl city a lot lately and realized that he sounds like relient k. i won britney spears tickets im going monday, and then i'm seeing jason aldean wednesday, gary allen friday, and brad paisley saturday. i wrote you a letter. i didn't send it. i love you. you'll read it. i move into my house early next month, i'm excited jacq is gunna stay with me too.

the stars reach down to kiss you, i miss you...

tyler brown williams- runaway
noah and the whale- my door is always is open
margot and the nuclear so and so's- a children's crusade on acid

i've made many mistakes. i've cheated, stole, lied, fought, and was a bad person. but my mistakes and faults at one time will not define me. i've made bad decision, i have been put in tough situations where wrong and right where so close and tough to decipher that i chose the best way for me when morally it was wrong.

4 years ago i tried to kill myself and while in the hospital they ran blood tests and due to a new medicine i was taking my white blood cell count was altered and i was diagnosed with leukemia. everyone thought i was lying because i was trying to get my ex back. i was not. i under went tests and treatments before a doctor at the westchester oncology center saw a significant change and when i was retested i in fact had no leukemia. so i was faced with a decision. if i came out and said i was misdiagnosed people would say that i was lying all along and due to the fragile state i was in, i decided to keep it going so that i wouldn't have to deal with that situation. a few months later i said i was in remission and ended all the drama.

i don't know if the choice that i decided was right but it is the decision i made. and i'm tired of people calling me a liar and judging me when you guys don't really know anything. i made mistakes i cheated i fucked up i know this but the person i have become and will continue to be is one of a kind. i am kind hearted and a great person and these are the words of those closest to me and truly know me. if you don't want to know me and want to start drama over my past. delete my name, my number, my myspace, facebook, and this livejournal account. because life is short. no one knows when it will end just that it's always looming and can happen at anytime. so treasure it. don't waste it on drama and should've or used to be's and live in the moment because you'll regret it in the end.

it seems as though everyone i love is either leaving or dying. my grandfather died, my dad cried on the phone and that was hard. my friend has cancer and i feel that it may be getting the best of her. i love her i loved her mother and the same cancer is now winning a battle i wish never even existed.

you and i will either be the happiness for one another or the death. you're amazing and you'll eventually figure out everything you need to and the sunny days will return again.

i went to a casino, i saw niagra falls, and i saw caroline rhea.

new eminem comes out tomorrow, buy it, listen to insane enjoy...

new songsto listen to:

iron and wine- morning
greg laswell- off i go
stephen jerzak- cute

my grandpa is dying, i found out he gave up on life a long time ago and tried to kill himself. he's a great guy, my grandmother was an amazing person too. my dad is sick and pretends like nothing is wrong. erin has mersa and she is always sick and im sad. i love her so much and i don't want a life without anyone in my family.

i ate today for the first time in a few days. it was nice until i pooped really bad.

truth is...143

i changed my myspace name. its been the same name for over a year now but i changed it. no big deal but change was much needed. this may seem ridiculous and small but it has more meaning behind it then you'll ever know. i'm lost and confused more then ever. i'm trying so hard to be strong. i took a leave of absence from school to sort through my problems. i hope i can do this i need to do this.

don't put faith or trust into anyone. they'll only let you down.

you let me down.

you won...

i have sat down to write quite a few times over the past few days and haven't been able to write something i like. for the first time in a while i feel as though i have the passion and even the will to write but nothing that has come across the pages has been something i felt was well written or even worth someone's time to read it.

i miss the words flowing across my pages and leaving me mesmerized by their elegance and grace.

i hate fighting, and arguing, and winning isn't winning if you end up alone. I stood strong i fought, i gave everything i had and i was left kneeling and exhausted in defeat. my heart it weakens with everyday, maybe you are holding on to a memory of something you once loved but i think you are confused about now and then. you have amazing stories, and we have amazing memories, and maybe that is all we will be, but i promise you, even if i got Alzheimer's i will never forget you. ever...


here's to the future...

i've read over my entries and i've realize i always act and speak in the moment and off of emotion. but if i were to take a minute to really assess the situation then maybe i wouldn't be heart broken and in the predicaments that i always seem to get in. i know that my past doesn't dictate my future but maybe i am paying for my mistakes.

today i will be faced with a giant fork in the road and i have to choose which way to go but i don't know what to do. i'm upset and hurt but at the same time i don't know how to be anything but sweet and nice anymore. the truth is i've never felt more alone then the way i feel right now...

i've been emotional over the past few days. very emotional. i went and got starbucks last night and saw seven pounds by myself. and it really got to me. i want to change someone's life. i want to save them. i want to be someone's everything.

lately i've been feeling more and more lost and less like myself. i love who i am, i'm so down to earth anymore. anyone who used to know me knows i used to steal. i haven't stole a thing in a longtime. i try not to litter and i want to be a better person. i am a better person, i just have to figure out the happiness part.

akon- much longer
the cary brothers- jealousy

what can i say anymore. as a writer your words are the most powerful gift you possess, but what am i to do when my words feel like they have no meaning anymore. i'm sad. i'm lost. i don't know what i want to do with my life. i'm confused. i don't sleep or shower much.i'm alienating myself from the world once again.

i saw bayside. it was a great sow. my head and heart were elsewhere.

i got a kitty. her name is ELLA. she is adorable. i love her.i think puma would have loved her.

right now i've been listening to:

The scene aesthetic- red rover
manchester orchestra- i was a lid

everything you say about me hits me the hardest. you're the one person whose opinion matters the most. i just wish the sweet words everyone else say could defeat the negatives you tell me...



if your happy then i'm happy for you...

I have had a cat for 16 years now. her name is puma. i love her so much. she lays with me when i sleep and she purrs so much when she is getting attention. she is sick. and my father and i have decided to out her to sleep. on wednesday we are taking her so she doesn't suffer anymore. i'm so sad right now. i don't wanna not see her anymore. i don't wanna walk in the door and not have her waiting outside my door. it's going to suck.

autumn is my favorite time of year but i have come to realize i am bipolar and i'm so depressed right now. i wanna right but i don't. i don't know why but i just don't. i haven't sat down to read in what feels like years. the only thing i do anymore is sleep, goto work and school and let my mind wander aimlessly while i listen to music. I bought 2 new records today. i got t.v. on the radio- dear science and bon iver- for emma, forever ago. even though i have the cd already but it sounds better on vinyl.

i have a lump on my testicle, the doctor said that for now i shouldn't worry until i see a specialist. it could be cancerous or it could be nothing and i might just have to have surgery to take care of it and i'll be fine. but hey atleast if i have cancer i'll a bunch of kids spreading rumors saying i'm lying again and that will be cool. and atleast i'll have my real friends there beside me helping me through it unlike the many scumbags who read this and say shit about me because hey there 20 something and have nothing better to do then dwell and start drama. and to anone that wants to say im a bad guy i'll give a bunch of numbers of every that is in my life and they'll tell you about the person i became.

i'm no longer going to jsut settle. i'm not going to be pushed aside and watch as everyone does what they want and just calls me when then have no one else or because they don't want anyone else to have me.

oh, and i quit drinking, and its the easiest thing i've done even when i'm depressed.

Nick and norah is the Juno of 2008. if you haven't seen it yet then go see it because it is a great movie. it's the reason behind my post. i miss the love i once knew. i wanna meet someone who can change my life from the moment i meet them just like the one before kindly did...

i don't know where i am going or what i am doing with my life but i am going to try and be the best as possible at whatever it is...

songs to listen to- paul tiernan- how to say goodbye
ray lamontagne- meg white

The legend of saint christopher is that: a little child asked him to take him across the river. During the crossing, the river became swollen and the child seemed as heavy as lead, so much that Christopher could scarcely carry him and found himself in great difficulty. When he finally reached the other side, he said to the child: "You have put me in the greatest danger. I do not think the whole world could have been as heavy on my shoulders as you were." The child replied: "You had on your shoulders not only the whole world but him who made it. I am Christ your king, whom you are serving by this work." The child then vanished.

the world is falling apart and our last hope lies in the hands of Obama. I know many of you don't believe that he is the best thing for us, or that a black president should be elected but please from the bottom of my heart vote. Vote for Obama and let him be our saint christopher. Let him carry us because i believe he won't let us fall.

My world is falling apart as well. I drank last night. i drank like there was no tomorrow, or at least part of me hoped there wouldn't be one. My heart is crushed but i guess i deserve it. I had faith and i still do i just wish it was mutual.

My biggest lesson, don't drink to overcome sadness and pain because it doesn't fix a thing. And never give up no mattter how ahrd no matter what, i you want something you fight, you fight with everything you have...

I feel like you're a million people, with baseball bats, and crowbars, and knives just coming down on me and beating me over and over again. but the truth is you're not a million people. You are just one; the one. the one i love, the one i admire, the one i lost my heart to and in the past two months have never gained it back. You don't see what you do to me, i feel like you don't care. and i know that i'm a sucker and i let this happen but just because i turn my back to you doesn't mean you're not at fault for stabbing me. And your crowbars and bats and knives are just your words, and how insignificant you can make me feel.


In the end, you'll be owning all the fines...

i start school monday. i'm scared and nervous. i know that i can handle it i just want it to be over so i can fast forward a few years and start a life.

lately i've been very lost and confused and hurt and emotional. i've been trashed and thrown away, and i don't deserve that. for the first time i am very happy with who i am. i have a great heart and i wanna avoid drama and problems and i come from a crazy family but they are amazing and i have so much to offer with a friendship or more. i guess i just want people in my life who are going to be here for me and show me that they care.

i've been listening to hollywood undead like crazy lately.
go get it and enjoy.

and joe wilson...

where do you wanna be 5 years from now?

I want to be married. I want a beautiful child. and i want a great job that i love...

now that i have the cliché's out of the way.

i just want to be happy. i am very happy where i am now. i am the guy i wanna be. i am a better person now then i have ever been before. but why is it that now i am lost and more confused then ever.

i lost important friendships, i lost love, and yes i'll make more friends but some can never be replaced.

2 and a half years ago i tried to kill myself my best friend was in the hospital next to the psychiatric center. here i am trying to get out of life when i have so much life ahead of me while my best friend is dying and she would give anything to stay here and spend her not so fortuitous life with her family but she dies. From that moment on i promised myself and to her that i would never take anything for granted and i would live life to the fullest but most of all, i will be extraordinary.

sometimes things just figure themselves out.

music to listen to. I say go back an listen to these three songs:

snow patrol- run
jimmy eat world- gotta be somebody's blues
city and colour- casey's song